leoprince_28 asked:
I grew up in Hawaii. I attended school here, where I was told to go home often, never feeling like I belonged. My clothes were shabby and I was often dirty and neglected. I would go home, where my scary, biker step-dad would call me names and pick on me, often getting into fights. My mother was an alky, who sat around with her vicious, feminist tongue, slandering men, thus making me insecure with my own sex. I was bullied in school. There was no one to defend me, or teach me how to defend myself. I was a weak kid, often under
nourished, and scrawny. I was also much smaller than the local Hawaiian and Samoan children here, and picked on by the oriental and wanna-be-fit-in white students who thought I was an idiot, often being called this, along with ugly, and many other scaring invectives.
My teachers often made an example of me because of my poor performance, which made me shrink inside, and made me terrified to share, or have to speak in front of people.
Skipping a lot of shit, I came to live, at 14, with my granny. I was already an alky and a drug user since 11 years old, and a heavy cigarette smoker for my age. At my grandmother’s house, I was subject to my biological father, I really didn’t know, who being a junkie on crystal meth, abused me through threats and intimidation. I was told at 14 that I didn’t know who my real father was, and that it could be my uncle or someone outside of the family, due to my mom’s heavy partying. I spent most of my time in my room, where I’d sit and think and listen to Rock & Roll, my only comfort.
I took 8 years to complete high school. I’m now 28, and I’m in college, still living with granny. I hate the State that I live in (Hawaii). I’m extremely lonely, to the point of often depressions, which I somehow find my way out of every time; don’t ask me how. I’ve prayed for someone to love, but I’ve ceased to see a miracle yet. I’ve often given up on God, or any sort of faith, but I can’t totally, cause it’s all I have.
I have an extremely hard time with rejection. They say that it gets better with practice, but I’ve had a lot of practice, and I’ll tell you, I’m rather shell shocked when it comes to it. I spend lots of time at the gym, working my ass off to make myself feel better. I have never asked a girl out, and am petrified to do so, concerning potential rejection, so I remain alone, which I can’t stand. Somehow everyone thinks I’m the person who loves to be a loner though. I can’t even ask a girl out when I almost know she likes me. In fact, I neglect it to the bitter end, day dreaming about being with her, but it always ending in being alone again, when I realize that it will now never happen, or she is with someone else, or has lost interest. I just can’t do it. Job interview plague me too, and working with certain customers makes me nervous, so I am not employed right now.
I spend most of my time alone. I have tried to get out more, and go to clubs, where at the end of the night I feel worse about myself, after I’ve drunk myself poisoned, and have been hit on by nothing but gay men. If it wasn’t for the few girls I’ve fallen in love with online-as lame as that seems- I would have had no relationships about 10 years now: My heart’s been broken each time one goes her way. I’m also, practically, a literary genius; it comes to me naturally, so I’m overly analytical, which causes me to think about my situation and analyze things way too much. I often don’t know if anyone will be able to understand me, as far as a mate goes. According to some people I have talked to in person, I am too good looking, so I intimidate girls, plus I’m too nervous, so it is a double curse.
When it comes down to it, all I have is my faith, hopes, my little praise for my slow progress, prayers, and the comfort of my fuckin Rock & Roll.
But I haven’t finished the story yet… We’ll see where I go…
Really though, can anyone relate? Has anyone triumphed? That would be a nice report. : ) I still have faith.
Well, this aint meant to be a sob story; I’m just wondering who might relate to me.
Oh, ignore this shyt; I phucked up with the girl I like again, so now I’m going back in time. You know how it is: The blues… Sing me some.
I hear you belle, but it’s different for a man I suppose. Men are competitions with one another, and there is some damn pecking order men establish. I don’t fit in anywhere in there. I am not a leader type, but I definitely don’t follow. I am a James Dean of men, standoffish; I work great in movies, but that’s about it. It is your natural inclination to follow. You don’t have to fear throwing blows, and if you are dominated, as long as it is in the sense of leadership, you’ll be okay, cause you are a woman; whereas, I hate leadership, and I boil inside when I feel dominated. I was raised wrong. When you are raised to fear authority as a boy, you grow to hate it as a man, and never submit. It is not a good attitude for the workplace. I never submitted to my step-dad, but grew up threatening to kick his ass one day; I hated him, and that translates into all my views of leadership, and I still don’t like my bio-father.
I guess, belle, another thing I’m saying is that when you are a man, there are too many “supposed to be’s” placed on your shoulders. It is too much pressure for a man who never learned how to just be that way naturally. A man is supposed to be strong, courageous, protective, stable, secure, responsible, he’s supposed to work, supposed to initiate, and the list goes on; you get the picture. When you have these things stacked on you, it is hard to do as good as you women, who actually feel rewarded for your accomplishments, vs us men who are just supposed to do them: There is no reward; it is expected, and that pressure either drives or crumples you as a man. If you were taught how to cope, you sit under the pressure cooker, but if not you can barely go 3 months. I do my best to do what I do in life. As a side note, as far as a girl goes with me, she has to be a pretty phucken strong person, that’s all I can say, or she wont handle me 3 weeks.
I appreciate that ver_gen; I have to say, that sucks dear. What I can say for myself though, is in spite of this, I’ve always taken a great deal of pride at the mastery of my emotions, physical strength, and the restraint of myself against conflict and anger. I’ve had enough testing to know how I will act. I will not hurt anyone; it’s not my nature; I’m rather sweet; somewhat annoying maybe, but sweet.
Comments (2)
Sep 15 2009
